Only If You Care

[Miss Murder]

For all who's interested this is why I am taking a few days. This is partially to inform everyone, but to mostly get things off of my chest. I feel so low right now, so lifeless and sad. It's kind of pathetic to say you all are the only familiy I've got left, being just a team of roleplayers like myself.

My boyfriend, the one I called EK, cheated on me. More than once at that with this girl named Ashley Kidd (WW). Look that bitch up if you want, she's completely real. All too real.
See, Chris (EK) was the only boy I've felt this way towards, you know, in love. He made me happy to be alive, and made me feel wanted and loved. He made it seem like I wasn't just a lonley "emo" kid in the corner that wrote fanfics and roleplayed the night away, or stayed up playing Xbox 360 until I finally passed out.

I love him and I trusted him. It was hard in the beginning to trust in the first place, especially a guy. In my mind, everyone is full of bullshit and lies somewhere in their bodies. Either that or I can't trust them with everything. Padfoot, for example, has to be one of my best friends in the entire world. She means so much to me, she's like my sister. No, she is my sister. Padfoot never lets me down with whatever it is, and I know she'd die for me.
But I can't trust her.
My mind won't let me trust anyone.

Somehow I trusted him. Maybe that came from the heart. I feel so bad about myself. All I can think about is what I could've done to prevent this from happening. What if this was my fault? I gave him everything he wanted and still he goes out on me. I was so good to him.
And this is what I recieve in return?

Last night he stayed here at my house. WW's cousin told me he had cheated on me. Naturally, I don't believe her at first. Honestly, why should I when I was the one that broke her cousin's heart?
The conversation arose late at night to him being a terrible person. I told him he wasn't, and he said that he had lied to me.
"What? Lied?"
He wouldn't look at me.
"I held hands with Ashley at the mall."
"Really?"
"Yeah... it's been worse."

I lost it there. I knew this all along. How could I be so stupid to let this slide? I don't know, I was too blind to see past his eyes, I guess.

"I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't."

Like I fucking cared at that point. I've been sobbing for thirty minutes at least, and this continued for a little over two hours or so. It was back and forth "I'm sorry", "I forgive you", "I love you", silence.

So he stays awake the whole night and I could barely sleep. You see, my eyes burned like embers of a flame and it was impossible for me to hold them open anymore. I knew that even if I did, I'd surly begin to cry again.

That morning we arrived at school and went our separate ways, him to his girlfriend, me to a corner. I didn't cry yet, though, happily. I wasn't going to until I saw something I didn't need to see. It was all too soon.

As I went to my first class I saw them making out in the stairway. Us three were the only ones there. In my frame of mind I felt worthless and ashamed of myself. If he could get over me that fast, then I wasn't worth anything. I wasn't a person anymore, I was his doll that he could manipulate as he pleased whenever he wanted.
I run up the stairs as fast as I could and started to sob again. I watched everyone in the hallway not even glance at me through my huffs and whines. No one cared about me, and I had no where to run.
I just wanted to die there.

Not even Wormtail offered a hand to me. I was red-faced and the tears poured from my eyes; all he could do was smile. He was trying to get himself a piece of ass, I suppose, talking to this one girl. He didn't awknowledge me, only until he walked away and touched my arm, still with a smirk on his face.

In class I continued to cry, again, no one cared. Oh, but if a prep looses her bracelet everyone feels pity. I don't want pity, but I needed someone then, and I had no one.

I leave school and get a call from him at his lunch from WW's phone. He's angry that I left because he wants his things. He yells at me for leaving and I begin to feel like shit again.
"I'm walking," he says.
"Don't get hurt."
"Whatever, I want my stuff."

We hang up, and this is where I am now, sitting here at the computer, waiting for him to come to my door. I want him to hurt me, give me more bruises than I've already given myself.
I want to feel less.

[Wilhelmina & Darius]

I know that I probably shouldn't say this, because I know it kind of annoys me when I am upset and people tell me this, but I know how you feel.

I know I probably can't say much to help right now, but I am very sorry that all of this had to happen to you. I can tell you, however, that things will get better eventually. It'll take some time and a lot of help from friends (And believe me, I will try to help as much as I possibly can) but things will get better. It blows my mind that things like this can happen to people so young, but it happened to me at the same age and for a long time I thought my life was completely ruined. Luckily, though, I had a friend there to help me through everything.

Now, I can't honestly say that the friend completely got rid of the pain, because she didn't. However, she did help a lot more than anyone else could have. I hope that Padfoot can do the same for you, and I hope that I (even though I don't know you as much as she does, I'm sure) can help you as well. As for your other friends not seeming to bother, I went through that stuff to. I don't know your friend Wormtail, but I can tell you that several of my friends tend to shy away from me when I am very upset because they don't really know how to..make someone feel better, it makes them feel awkward. Of course, like I said, I can't talk for someone I do not know.

I don't know a lot about the human mind, or stuff like that, but my boyfriend went to college for social physiology and we talk about it often. I would assume that the reason this boy is being so angry with you is because he knows he did something wrong, and he wants to make you feel like it was your fault and not his. Do NOT feel that way. It is not your fault, and it never will be. He chose to do what he did out of his own stupidity. If he cannot see how good he had it when he was with you, then he doesn't deserve someone like you. And I know enough about you to know that you are a pretty amazing person. He'll get what he deserves very soon, and he will end up realizing that he made a huge mistake by doing something this awful to someone who did not deserve it at all.

You are an awesome person, an amazing writer, and incredibly pretty. I can promise you that you will find someone out there made just for you, and he will love you, and only you, no matter what. But I can't say that there aren't going to be some duds from now until you find that perfect guy. I can say from experience that even though there are some really bad effects from going through things like that, like not being able to trust anyone (and even now I have problems trusting the man I am dating), things like this happen for a reason. They make you stronger, and I know that might be hard to believe right now because it does hurt so much, but it is true.

I love you, this being from someone who calls you a friend, and I will help with absolutely anything that you need help with. I'll try to be around as much as I can, and if you ever need someone to talk with, I am here.

[prongs]

Xanthe, like Mina said, you know we love you. I've dealt with a similar situation. You know, the opening up to a guy, finding out something terrible, and feeling like it was nothing but a waste. He didn't deserve you in the slightest. I despise cheaters with an undeniable passion.
EK has abseloutley NO RIGHT to be pissed at you, whatsoever. If anything, you have every legitimate right to feel emotions of rage against him. If he thinks he can get out of any sticky situation by using someone as a scapegoat, he's wrong. I wish I had a plane ticket.
So.
Bad.
You are amazing, and don't let any spiteful word bring you down. It's only quicksand from there. I know firsthand; I got out of my first big relationship last year, and things got disastrous. I was, long story short, not making the best choices. He still calls me now and then, and I just don't know what to do. I still crave companionship, but I don't want to go back to the days of the lying and deceit and the lack of trust and, oh God, so much more. I want to stand on my own.
But I can't. I don't think I ever could. And that, my friends, is my fatal flaw.
You're much a stronger person than I am. What, with all this talent of yours, you deserve the equivelant of Alan Rickman. With his shirt off. Rolling in Jell-O.
Go on, imagine that. Make sure to wipe the drool off your face after that. I haven't yet.
At some point in time, in our lives, we come across various levels of grief. It's inevitable. But if there is really anything up there, this kind of came with an extra gift. We have people to be with us. I hope you know I'd willingly be one of those people.[/size]

[firefly]

He does not deserve you. Not in the slightest. You're way too awesome.

To cheer you up.
[/size]